A weredingo stole my baby
by Mrstrentreznor
Summary: Post BD non battle, the pack gets a free trip to Straya*. M rating for language and themes. Crackfic (*that is how Australians pronounce Australia.)


Title A were dingo stole my baby.  
>Author mrstrentreznor<br>Pairing none really  
>Rating M just to be safe for language  
>Summary the pack gets a free trip to austraylya<p>

Disclaimer _Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

**AN: this was my entry for the ****'Throw Another 'Ward' on the Barbie' Contest**

**fanfiction(dot)net/u/3048236/Another_Ward_on_the_Barbie#**

**but I'll be buggered if I can work out who won or where the results are published. Never mind. I assume the sparkle asses won. They listed my fic as an Edward/Bella fic and titled it a 'Waredingo ate my baby.' Personally not being a big twi vamp shipper, I thought that was hilarious. I also have no idea what a waredingo is? Something as big as a warehouse? Yeah maybe that's it. **

**Unfortunately the pictures won't load on fanfic, but they are included in the JBNP version.**

* * *

><p><strong>A were dingo stole my baby?<strong>

The Cullens were so pleased with the way the pack helped out in the Volturi battle, that they offered the older members an all expenses paid trip to anywhere in the world. The newly phased wolves hadn't really done anything other than stand around and look scary. Besides the older pack members didn't exactly want the puppies all coming too.

Sam and Emily announced that a staycation was far more their kind of holiday. They would have a welcome break in their own home while most of the pack went overseas. Sam was actually looking forward to it.

So that left Leah, Embry, Quil, Paul, Rachel, Jared, Kim, Seth and Jake.

Isle Esme was offered and rejected as being too full of vampire stink and no game; nothing to chase or hunt. They could fish, Edward stated.

"We've done enough fishing in our lives, you know?" quipped Quil.

South America might appeal to the vamps but running through jungle was just not fun for a wolf and it was too humid. Embry had an image of being caught up in a hanging liana. Quil would hang himself day one. And his mother would be angry with them.

Europe was too cold and snowy and too much like home, and it was full of people.

The Pacific islands? Too humid and more jungles and shit.

They thought about it some more.

The first issue was of course, that none of them actually had passports. It took some time to arrange that, even for the ever efficient Mr J Jenks.

Jake insisted on them being real passports not fakes. He still had one in the name of Wolf that Bella had faked for him when she thought the Volturi battle was going to go bad.

So there was much discussion amongst the pack members as to where in the world had exciting scenery and plenty of game. Africa was ruled out because Quil declared that he had a cat allergy and the lions would make him sneeze. And besides no one wanted to be hunted by lions, cheetahs or hyenas.

Someone suggested Australia.

"Yeah. No big game there," said Paul sarcastically.

"And its dry heat," said Jared. "That should make a nice change from the soggy old Pacific Northwest."

"I've always wanted to chase a kangaroo… you reckon they'd be hard to catch? I suppose if you got them by the tail," muttered Paul.

"Yeah but you'd have to watch out for the punches… they punch don't they? They wear those big red boxing gloves," queried Quil.

"And they have no big predators right? They killed off all those tiger things," said Embry.

"Tasmanian tigers?" asked Leah.

"Well," said Seth. "Technically the thylacine is not a tiger, it's a marsupial dog. The largest specimen was 9.5ft from nose to tail. They stood about 24 inches at the shoulder and weighed about 70lbs."

"Seth, you been watching the discovery channel again?" asked Leah.

"A marsupial? Does that mean it has a pouch?" asked Quil. Everyone looked at him.

"What?" he complained, "I can't be smart sometimes?"

"You're right, Quil. The male thylacine had a pouch into which he could withdraw his scrotal sac to protect the reproductive organs being damaged whilst running through thick bush."

The pack looked at him in amazement.

"That's a damn good idea!" said Paul. "I am always worrying about losing my scrotal sac on a tree or something." He turned to Jake. "Can we ask the ancestors for that as our next evolutionary step? Fuck getting bigger. I want my gonads protected."

"The only current marsupial with the same thing is the water opossum. You might have to breed with one of them," suggested Seth.

Rachel frowned at Paul when he looked like he might actually be thinking about it.

"Tasmanian devils still exist though," put in Seth.

"What like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons?" asked Quil. "With the little tornado and the rahhrs?" he made a kind of clawing motion with his hands as he said it.

"Yes," Seth said. "They can be quite vicious." He showed them a you-tube clip of them snarling and snapping at each other.

"Man, they are just like the cartoon version," stated Jared. "Without the tornado."

"But they only occur in Tasmania so we should be safe," Seth commented.

"Safe? Pfft! Like one of those could hurt us," Quil scoffed.

"Right," Jake cleared his throat. "Put it to the vote." All the hands shot up. "So Australia it is."

"And they won't have vamps… too fucking sunny for them," Paul muttered.

888888888888

The first snag came when both Jake and Renesmee refused to be separated.

Edward talked Bella into letting her go. Her imprint was the one man capable of looking after her wherever she was and whatever happened to her. "She'll be fine with him, Bella. We could be assured of her safety. And there will be other women there who can look after babies."

Edward still had the Victorian idea that women innately knew how to look after babies. "Leah will be there," he suggested.

"Leah Clearwater knows nothing about babies," declared Bella.

"Oh I wouldn't say that," argued Edward.

"She might know a lot about trying to make babies but nothing about actually looking after them."

"I do admit that she and Embry have been quite… vigorous lately," Edward conceded.

"Vigorous?" Bella was incredulous. "She was screaming his name!"

"And so she might, after he bounced her off the house wall like that," said Edward.

Bella rolled her eyes.

8888

So in the end, Renesmee was allowed to go with Jake. She promised her mother in silent images that she would just bite Jake. She assured her that she really wasn't a baby at all and she was very excited about the trip. She promised to be good. She did much research on Australia.

They decided to keep the tour to the basics.

They did Sydney. The harbour looked a lot like Seattle and they were vaguely disappointed. The beaches were cool and Jared loved surfing Bondi. They ate fish and chips on the grass at Bondi beach and decided it was pretty nice. Renesmee chased the seagulls with the other toddlers.

They were on the bus back from Bondi to the city where their hotel was. Renesmee had done her research and was so excited to show Jake everything she had found out that she bombarded him with images and gave him a migraine. Plus the pack were all behaving in their usual fashion and he finally just roared, "Will you two cut it out!"

They all froze.

"Which two?" asked Quil tentatively.

Quil and Seth were sparring. Seth was in a head lock and was losing. He was smacking the seat in a signal of defeat.

Embry and Leah kept trying to sneak off and have sex everywhere and were currently lying on top of each other along the back row of seats on the bus.

Jared and Kim were writing their trip journal and looked astonished they could be in trouble for anything.

Rachel and Paul were snogging and completely ignored Jake.

They got kicked off their tour of the opera house. It was Rachel's fault. Some girl said "cor… you're a bit of awright" to Paul and pinched him on the arse. Rachel actually growled at her and tried to attack her. Luckily Jake and Jared grabbed her before any real damage was done. Jake told off Paul for thinking it was funny. This cracked the whole pack up for a while. Rachel growling 'n all.

They climbed the harbour bridge with nonchalant ease. Leaving their alleged guide panting and puffing behind them… "No wait…" he shouted after them. "And is that a baby? You can't bring a baby on here! This is a height restricted area. And put that girl down before you drop her…" he shouted after them as they took off up the spans of the Harbour Bridge. They carried the imprints when they couldn't keep up. Their safety cables made a whirring noise, they climbed so fast.

They waited at the top for the guide.

By then, he didn't have the breath to argue. Jake did convince Seth not to slide down the banisters on the other side.

"Oh come on, Jake it's like a car wide. How could anyone fall off this thing?"

Jake rather thought their guide was having chest pains… and they didn't want to kill him with shock.

They went to a cricket match.

They asked the guy in front of them how it worked; what were the rules?

"You go in until they get you out and when they have got you out you go out and the next batter goes in and they try to get him out and so on until everyone is out and then your whole team can go in and have a go at getting the other team out."

"And this takes five days?" asked Seth incredulously.

8888

Quil went running wolf-like in the botanic gardens. He leapt the wall just to the side of the locked gates. They were staying in the Sheraton on the Park and he got sprung drinking as a wolf from the Archibald fountain and ran away, phased human and then nearly got arrested for streaking.

He wandered nonchalantly into the foyer of the hotel and they barely blinked an eye. His biggest problem was trying to wake up Seth to get him to let him back into their room, without waking any of the other residents on that floor.

On the flight to central Australia, they gave up looking out the windows.

"Yeesh, there's just nothing down there… a whole lot of nothing… except red dirt…" said Quil. He kept looking as if waiting for something to happen.

In Alice Springs they were going to be met by a guide with a 4WD mini bus. They booked themselves into their hotel and asked where to go to experience real outback food. The concierge recommended the Overlander Steakhouse.

'DROVERS BLOWOUT'. The menu features soup of the day with freshly baked damper (outback style traditional bread). This is followed by tastings of Camel, Crocodile, Emu and Kangaroo. Your main course is a choice of either a tender Rump Steak or the ever popular Barramundi Fish. And if you're not 'blown out' at this stage, you will have a choice of either Apple Pie or the famous Australian Pavlova for dessert, with tea or coffee.

"Blown out?" queried Seth. "Sounds good. Can I order two?"

"Are you kidding me, luv?" the waitress asked.

She got even more flustered when all the boys ordered two Drover's blowouts each and then ate it all.

8888888

They got a bus driver/tour guide for the outback.

"Does he look like Wolverine to you?" Jared whisper-asked Seth. "You know the guy from the movies…"

"What's your name buddy?" Seth asked him.

"You can just call me," he paused dramatically, looked down at the ground, adjusted his belt buckle with one hand, spat off to the side, looked up again, shifted his Akubra hat on his head.… "Driver…" he eventually finished.

"Droiver? Drover?" asked Rachel.

"I think he said Driver…" said Kim.

"Does he come with subtitles?" asked Embry.

"Won't need 'em…" there was another big gap, adjustment of clothing, spit, hat movement. The pack waited patiently for him to speak again. "… don't say much," he finished.

"Ahhh… okay," said Jake very slowly. _Shit maybe it was catching._

"What is he wearing?" asked Leah.

"Yeah does it make sense to you to wear cream pants in the outback?" said Kim.

"Moleskins," stated Driver.

"They make pants out of the skins of moles?" Seth was horrified. He thought moles were kind of cute in a ratty way when he saw them on the Discovery Channel.

"Hat's rabbit," added Driver.

It took them a while to work that one out.

8888888888

They finally got to Ayer's rock. Uluru as the local people called it.

"Seriously? We came all this way to see a big… lump?" Quil asked.

"It is a very big lump," added Embry.

"A very, very big lump," added Seth.

"It looks bigger because everything else is so flat. We are booked into the Longitude 131 Hotel. Alice Cullen has managed to book the whole place; all 15 tents," Jake said. He showed them a picture of the hotel. It was a located very close to the rock itself, and was artfully disguised with 'sails' of white canvas over each room and a larger one over the main area. The white sails standing starkly amongst the scrub and the flat red dirt stretching to the horizon.

"Are we camping?" Rachel asked with horror in her voice. She remembered one too many camping trips with her family.

"Not really. It'll be fine. It's this trendy hotel where the tents are really covers over the rooms and they are set up off the ground. Its five star camping Rachel, don't have a cow," Jake reassured her.

"Do we have to stay in tents with Embry and Leah so close?" asked Seth.

They all looked at them. Leah was wrapped around Embry and their foreheads were together and she was whispering to him while stroking his chest.

"Jeez it's a tossup," said Paul. "I almost prefer bitchy Leah."

They all sighed.

Jake looked around for some hard surface to smack his head into. A wolf would have to do. He head butted Paul.

"Hey, what the fuck?" Paul complained.

88888

The guys wanted to go to the bar at the hotel and even though they had booked the place out, they wouldn't let Renesmee in. They said she shouldn't have been in the hotel at all. They didn't do children; the guy announced and looked down his nose at her. Leah babysat.

But of course, Embry snuck off back to their 'tent' and she got distracted. The others had made them take the tent the furthest out, the most isolated one.

Leah and Embry looked up to see a large reddish looking dog taking Renesmee for a ride on its back. It looked like a dingo but was bigger than the average dingo and smelt like a Were. She had gone happily; not making any noise as per usual.

Jake was livid.

"Are you telling me a weredingo stole my baby?"

"I suspect the weredingo is probably in more trouble than she is…" Quil stated. Jake smacked him up the back of the head.

"Oh come on, Jake, you know she thinks you taste good. I'm betting she can't wait to get her little fangs into a weredingo. A real piece of Australia."

"Not funny, Quil," Jake growled.

"Yeah you're looking a little peaky there Jake, you sure she's not taking more than she should? A holiday appetite and all," Paul said.

"Why isn't anybody worried?" Jake bristled.

"She's a vampire hybrid Jake. She'll be fine," Embry said.

"Just call her, Jake. It's probably a game. You know how she loves beating you in games," Leah suggested.

"**Renesmee**!" he bellowed. "This isn't funny. You know how Jake worries."

"Jeez, he's referring to himself in the third person now," Jared muttered.

"Renesmee… please!" he called again. He sounded more worried now.

Rachel patted him on the arm. "Don't worry Jake, we'll find her. Won't we guys? Don't cry."

"I'm not crying I've just got some dust in my eye."

"**RENESMEE**!" bellowed Seth, "You're making Jake cry."

"I am not crying," Jake blustered. "It's the dust."

"Jacob?" the weirdly chiming tones of Renesmee's voice rang out from the scrub. She almost flew back to him and rocketed up into his arms. He hugged her; burying his face in her hair. When he had got himself back together he scolded her. "A weredingo," he admonished. "What have I told you about going off with strangers… and now you're all dusty and dirty and you stink of dog and you'll have to have another bath before bed time…" He carried her off still reproaching her.

She meekly took her punishment. And went to bed early.

888888888

They did some more sightseeing. Driver took them out to King's canyon to do the rim walk.

"Hey," said Jared. "Was this in that movie with the drag queens and the bus?"

"Priscilla," supplied Kim. "Yes, I think it was. They did it in drag."

Driver settled down for a nap in the bus. He was dumbfounded; even more speechless than he usually was, when they made the four hour walk in less than two. They apologised for being slow, but the girls slowed them down. Leah growled.

"Jeez Leah, you're not a girl," Quil added.

"Oh yes she is," breathed Embry and whisked her off to the back of the bus again.

Carlisle had decided they should be driven down to Adelaide and do some more sightseeing in the _real_ outback before they flew back from there.

It took about eight hours to drive from Uluru to Coober Pedy; their next stop.

The bus pulled up outside what looked like a small section of roof projecting out from a hill. With a large sign on the top labelling it as the Opal Cave.

"Jake, they forgot to build the hotel," hissed Quil.

"It's underground, dumbass. That's the whole point of being here. So we can sleep underground."

"What? Who decided that? We're not bunnies or other small things that have little holes in the ground…"

"Can we just get inside…I'm dying here in the heat and you guys must be going nuts," Rachel begged.

"Yeah and the dust… man, it is so fine it gets in everywhere… and I mean everywhere," complained Paul.

It was much cooler underground; they saw the sense in that immediately. They saw the rooms. Quil and Seth had to share again.

Seth looked very doubtful. "These aren't beds Jake. They're platforms bolted into the wall."

"It should hold your weight," pointed out Jake. But everyone looked at Quil. He was their burliest wolf.

"He's on the bottom," announced Seth.

"Whoa Seth," Paul snickered. "Too much information."

"Rest … after brekkie… Lake Cadibarrawirracanna," Driver announced.

They were all shocked. That was an awful lot of syllables in one word. None of them were game to ask him to repeat it, in case he had a seizure or something.

That night Renesmee decided to play another game with Jake. She hid in one of the mine shafts and Jake was too embarrassed to ask the others for help again after the last debacle. So he dug for her, throwing up tonnes of red dirt and sparkly stones into the air.

She thought that was wonderful. She collected the pretty sparkling stones and prattled on about how they reminded her of her parents. She told Jake he was so clever to find all those pretties for her. He snuck them both into the hotel and had to soak himself for hours in the bath to get all the dirt out.

The next day they headed off for their lake trip. They drove through the dingo fence. Jake muttered something about it being a really good idea to keep the orangey bastards on the other side.

They stopped at William Creek for a break and a Devonshire tea of hot milky tea and scones with jam. They ate them all.

They drove on to Lake Eyre, and stopped for a picnic lunch. Lake Eyre was normally a dry salt pan, but recent rains had filled it to capacity. There were thousands of pelicans all over the lake.

"Ohh, birds," Renesmee chimed and she took off to chase them, just like she had done with the seagulls on the beach at Bondi.

"Bad baby," Jake shouted at her. "Get back here."

The rest of the pack refused to help and all found it utterly hilarious. They were supposed to walk around the lake edges after lunch. All the pack was starving; there was never enough food for them. Quil seemed unaffected and snored loudly on the way back with his hands folded over his oddly rotund stomach.

They drove back to William Creek and had a beer at the pub. Paul was astonished to discover the whole town's population was six.

"Jeez! And I thought La Push was small."

The mystery of Quil's lack of hunger was solved when the newspaper the next morning had blurry photos of 'Bigpaw'. A local cattle baron had seen a giant hairy creature take one of his head of cattle. He had managed to snap off a couple of blurry photos and had sold them to every media outlet in the country. A little investigation showed the same giant tracks all around the town and some massive holes that looked like the creature had tried to build a burrow. Jake growled at Quil and Driver gave them all an odd glance and started keeping his shotgun down the side of the driver's seat.

They did finally make it to Adelaide. But Jared and Paul wanted to go surfing before they left. Driver assured them that they needed the 4WD to get down to maybe off the edge of the Eyre Peninsula to get a proper point break, so he would take them.

"Jeez is everything named Eyre around here?" grizzled Jared.

"New South Wales… Macquarie," said Driver. They never worked that one out.

They made it back okay saying it was better than La Push but that the sharks were kind of annoying. They were staying at the Sebel Playford and the others had ordered what looked like the entire room service menu. Food trolleys were parked in every available space of carpet in one of the suites they had booked. Driver's eyes nearly bugged out when he saw that.

Driver appeared to be quivering to Jake. He pulled Jared aside to ask what the hell had happened on their surf trip.

"Paul punched out a shark; big mother…"

"Great white," muttered Driver.

"Man, I really need that gonad pouch now," Paul insisted. "It was way too close to the family jewels if you know what I mean. I am sooo looking up the nearest water opossum. Was that it, Seth?"

Driver's eyes narrowed and he muttered something about making damn sure these bastards all got on the plane in the morning. Louder he added, "Airport tomorrow?"

They all chorused agreement with him and let him go to presumably arm himself and sleep in the bus.

He certainly did make sure they got on the right flight, even walked them to the gate. The girls hugged him goodbye and he got all flustered and shifted his hat on his head again. Leah punched him in the top of the shoulder hard enough to make his eyes water.

"Thanks Driver, we'll look you up if we ever come back," Jake suggested, holding Renesmee on his hip.

"No need," Driver stated.

None of them were sure if he meant no need to look him up or to come back at all. No one was game to ask him either.

Sue Clearwater asked how the trip was.

"Strange country," said Leah. "It's huge, massive areas of absolutely nothing, ten thousand acre paddocks, towns of less than ten people and they had a bar; a pub they call them. But everyone we met seemed really friendly." She paused. "But there was never enough to eat, you know. Oh except for this place in Alice Springs."

FF_2154210_ - 20/09/2011 04:00:00 AM


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